Keeping with the whole medical theme...

No, I'm NOT pregnant...But thanks for asking...
I did pay a visit to the local emergency room this weekend. It started when I got back from the BBQ at my cousin's house. I had eaten half of a cold hamburger, spinach salad, taco dip (used your recipe Regan!), and carrot cake from Costco. The pain started as a slight burning right under my sternum and spread out to the right and the left in a searing pain that left me unable to stand straight or sit still.
In the ER, donning one of those wonderful hospital gowns, I was able to lie face down which eased some of my pain but I was still not able to sit still. This was definitely the worst pain I had ever felt, worse than childbirth, and there seemed to be no way to get rid of it. A doctor came in and asked me a bunch of questions, felt around on my tummy, and told me things I didn't really understand. I do remember the shape of his mouth when he told me he as going to give me something that tasted like C-RA-P. His mouth accentuated the word and it seemed to come out in slow motion. It was very strange.
This is when the nurse with the foreign accent and hair down past her waist decided it was time to start my IV. No biggie, usually just a prick and it's done.
So she got my arm bound up and started poking around with her finger to try to find a vein. I have very small veins so 5 minutes into it I told her she should try the other arm where I had blood taken earlier in the week. There was even a bruise to guide the way. She got me bound up, rubbed the alcohol on my arm, got the needle and I felt the prick as it went in.
"Uh oh..." she said
"What?"
"I didn’t get your vein. Let me see if I can find it..."
She then proceeded to move the needle around inside my arm…
So here I am doubled over in pain and she's probing the inside of my arm with an 18 guage needle.
"owwwwwwww"
"Does that hurt?"
"Yes?"
"Oh I'm sorry"
Giving up finally she took out the needle and put the first of many pieces of tape over the area. Now she wanted to try the other side of my arm...with the same results. Did she flunk out of the part of nursing school where they learn about needles?
She got a smaller needle and returned to try again, this time on my wrist. Now, if you pinch your wrist and then pinch the inside of your elbow you'll notice that it hurts a LOT more on your wrist. Can you see where I'm going with this?
3 needles and 2 wrists later she finally decided to let someone else have a go at starting my IV. I've been there an hour already...
The someone else came in to try at the IV. She tied up my arm, felt my vein, stuck the needle in and suddenly I was bleeding all over. Success at last. She proceeded to get the 7 vials of blood that she needed, taped up the IV so it wouldn't come out and left, vials in hand, just as nurse with long hair was bringing me the foul tasting green liquid CRAP (called a GI cocktail). I was still in a considerable amount of pain by now, not even mentioning the numerous holes in my arms, so I held my nose and drank it down. It tasted like Solarcaine. My mouth, throat, and everything beyond was numbed almost immediately by the green concoction which allowed me to relax finally.
When I had gotten there they said I might have gall stones and they wanted to check it out to be sure so off I went to have an ultrasound. Mr. Ultrasound technician didn't want to tell me anything about what he was doing, all he wanted to do was try to impale me with the ultrasound probe. Breathe in, hold it, and breathe out...again. I watched the swirly shapes on the screen and I swore I saw someone's face looking back at me but I said nothing.
Back in my room the CRAP was starting to make me sleepy so I dozed until the nice doctor came to tell me that I have gastritis, to eat bland food for a few days and to come back if the pain returns.
So far so good, I haven't had pain. Maybe it was caused by stress, maybe by medicine I took for my migraine, they don't know. All I know is I get to eat baby food and mashed potatoes. Dr. Atkins would not approve.